“Nobody listens to me . . . I don’t even listen to me half the time” - 15 Year Old
Active Listening and Your Instincts
In my couples and family therapy work, the most common issue that comes up is poor or lack of communication. The skill of healthy communication is often the hardest to learn because not only does it require speaking but ACTIVE LISTENING.
Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding. It requires us to use all five senses (sight, sound, feel, taste, and smell-believe it or not) to be in tune with what the speaker is communicating.
I spend countless sessions teaching couples and families how to “just listen” to the words being spoken. This skill is quite difficult when it comes to listening to another person but what about when it comes to listening to yourself. . . .
GUT INSTINCTS, that physiological sensation that signals to us to pay attention to ourselves. We oftentimes question it, feel confused by it, or get stuck in it when those instincts hit us. Perhaps because they can feel vague, uncomfortable, or just go against our need for instant gratification.
We want those instincts to give us clear and distinct foresight and allow us to feel pleasure or at peace so we can easily follow through with them. For instance, "Am I happy with my life right now?", "Should I just quit my job and start a new career?", "Are my significant other and I, truly meant for each other?"
We want our gut instincts to give us the simple answer and promise us that even if we don't like the answer, we will get everything we want.
That would make life quite breezy. . . But that is not typically how it works.
The true intent of our instincts are to teach us how to TRUST ourselves. “Do I trust myself?,” sit with that question. Feel and think about what your gut, heart, tingle in your toes (whatever your instinct- looks, sounds, feels, tastes, and smells like)tells you?
If you feel a sense of ease, then your instincts may be telling you, "Yes," you do trust yourself.
If you feel blank, then you may not be in tune with yourself.
If you feel uneasy, or, are going back and forth with yourself, then the answer may be “no,” you don’t trust yourself and you have to tolerate that discomfort rather than try to flood your mind with justifications or excuses.
Whatever the answer to that question, notice that taking a few moments to be in tune with your senses may be you ACTIVELY LISTENING to yourself.
Action: Take time to get acquainted with your instincts. Create space where you can try taking small steps to act inline with them. Recognize the difference between impulse and instinct. IMPULSE is reactionary and seeks immediate gratification, while INSTINCTS are little signals that encourage you to pay closer attention to yourself.
