“I don’t have time to be afraid out here . . . That’ll get you kilt.” -17 year old

The Strength In Acknowledging Your Fears

A few years ago, I met a young man who asked me a question that gave me a moment of pause. He asked me hesitantly "Dr. Bennett . . can you tell me how to NOT be afraid?"  He approached me in a timid seemingly conflicted manner. It was almost as if there was the instinctual urge to "shrug off" the words as soon as they came out of his mouth.  The internal battle he appeared to be grappling with was a fight to shake off shame, and “toughen up.”  His facial expression, giving a sneak peek at the voice inside likely chewing him out with some variation of  “Man, shut your beta a** up!”, “Man up!”, or “You simp! Don’t ask that lady that weak question.”

My response to him was "just you being vulnerable enough to ask me that question is you learning how NOT to be afraid . . . you’re answering your own question." I went on to share a few more sentiments with him about facing fears, but I really appreciated his question and letting me witness him responding to his fear in an empowering manner.

It is not about NEVER being afraid. Or trying to reach invincibility.  It is about learning how to NOT fear your fears.

Fear is an emotional response that serves a purpose. Like every other emotion. It signals to us to be cautious-be alert. To think before we act. Fear is a very uncomfortable emotion to sit with. Yet it is not fear that is the problem.  It is how we respond to our fears that can create problems for us.

For that young man, his fears were rooted in police brutality. At the time we spoke, videos of police involved shootings were just being introduced to the world.  So his fear was very heightened, he expressed "I’m afraid . . . I’m a black man, I walk past the White House and Capitol Police everyday . . . anything can happen to me and there is nothing I can do about it." His fear was quite valid. I could only image how helplessly uncomfortable he felt.

Should he respond to his fear by locking himself in his home, so he could at least be "safe and alive?” Or should he respond to his fear by being cautious, alert, and move through his day more determined to live it to its fullest because "anything could happen?”

While we may not be able to control every element of our lives in order to prevent ever being afraid.  We can learn how to live by facing our fears in a productive way. Sometimes that means standing toe to toe with your fears, and other times, that means taking a step back to protect yourself because your fear is warning you. How do you live your life and engage with your fears?

Action: Take a few moments of reflection to see how you interact with fear. Explore a time when you moved WITH your fear and a time when you retreated BASED on your fear. Begin to paint a picture of how you can use your response to fear as a productive asset to your life.