“That’s life . . . I mean what’s talkin’ ‘bout it really gonna do?” - 16 year old

Talk Therapy and the Power in Telling Your Story

At least once a week, I get asked some version of the question, “What’s the point of talking about the most painful, shameful, hurtful, sad moment of my life?” This statement is usually followed by a comment like, “All that’s gonna do is make me mad or make me feel bad.”

Some things, especially bad things, are just better left unsaid . . . Right?  Well, not exactly.  Rarely, if ever, do bad experiences simply disappear because you don’t talk about it.

TRAUMA, or really bad experiences, can be defined as any intense experience that threatens to cause you harm or actually does harm you.  That harm can be PHYSICAL (like someone causing harm to your body or you being in an accident), MENTAL (like someone threatening to hurt you or someone you love), or EMOTIONAL (like being called hurtful names, or made to feel like you don’t matter).  

TRAUMATIC experiences often come out of nowhere and are completely out of your control.  Once the trauma is over, you are left with the thoughts “What just happened?” “Did that really happen to me?” and “Why did this have to happen to me?”  10 times out of 10, there is hardly ever a justifiable or comforting reason for why bad things happen.  So it may feel easier to just try and forget about it.  And the best way to do that . . . is to not think or talk about it.  

The problem with that, however, is that trauma is an INTENSE, extreme experience. And intense experiences, whether good or bad, usually find a way to stay with you and tuck themselves inside your thoughts, feelings, and memories. 

For intensely good experiences, like falling in love or winning at something you worked hard for, your brain and body remembers and replays those experiences because they feel good. Traumatic, in other words, intensely bad experiences, can do the very same thing. Except, when those memories replay, it’s no laughing matter. 

So you ask again, “How does talking in therapy change what happened to me?” The unfortunate answer is, it doesn’t change what happened to you.  Sitting in a stranger’s office (that would me, the therapist) can feel uncomfortable at first but sharing your story with your therapist can help you take charge of your mind and body’s reaction to that experience. You can then take control of it by telling your side of the story. 

Song lyrics, poems, YouTube skits, Instagram posts, TikTok videos are all ways we presently express our thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  Notice that you can watch social media content repeatedly because it gives a voice or image to your experience and that can bring you comfort and relief.  We tend to pass along this content to others to express, good and bad thoughts, captioning to yourself and others “that’s what I’m feeling,” “That’s my whole vibe,” or “That’s me!” 

Now I know you are probably thinking, Dr. Bennett, “I know you’re not trying to compare going to therapy to a TikTok video?” But uh yes . . . I totally am . . . LOL!!!

We as humans always find ways to get out our stories, feelings, thoughts, and experiences. (And I have had quite a few sessions where a client couldn’t explain what they were feeling so they just shared different social media content that articulated it for them, and it helped!).

ACTION: So the next time you are reading or listening to something that expresses your pain, shame, hurt, or sorrow, try to read it, sing it, or speak it out loud and just notice how the act of talking about it may make it less intense within you.